The Journal of Victor Frankenstein

   It never fails. Whenever I crash at "Bedlam" I always have the weirdest dreams. Last night was no different. It was about my father. I've had many dreams involving my father, but none in the last year or so. I've done quite well lately without him in my life. I used to dream about him almost every night back when he was drowning in his paranoia-delusional disorder. I dreamed that he was making progress, that I could converse with him like father and son. I dreamed that we were getting him back. And I was so happy for the most minute improvement. Then I'd wake up. And realize that things hadn't gotten better. I would just lay there crying. It was like I saw him die every single day and it almost killed me. I dreaded going to sleep every night because I couldn't stop the dreams from coming.
   As I said, I dreamed about him last night. The setting was in the front lawn of the house I grew up in. There were 8 of us standing in a circle, each wearing a martial arts gi. I didn't know anyone there except my father. The instructor paired us off and we were to spar with each other, sans gear. He paired me with my father.
   I was ready for this. I've been threatened, harassed, and intimidated by him most of my life. Not anymore. I was about to destroy him. And he knew it and, oddly enough, seemed ok with that knowledge.
   He wanted to talk first. He said that he wanted "to fix our relationship, in Jesus' name"...sigh...here we go again. (no offense to my lovely Christian friends, but this is the battlefield that he has picked) I basically told him everything I wrote in one of my previous journal entries as a letter to him.
   Then the weird part happened. He listened. He actually started listening and agreeing with me. He apologized! He has never apologized in his life! I was stunned. I was starting to feel hopeful.
   But, of course, I woke up to Mark, who had crashed on the other couch, collecting himself and making his way to church.
   And I realized something. I had just seen him die before me again. And that old wound got ripped back open again.